Welcome To Pandora, Kiddos!
by Illogical1612
Summary: The story of Borderlands 2, written Illogical-style. *HIATUS*
1. My First Gun

Alright, first off,

I do NOT support ZeroxAngel, or ZeroxMaya, and I do not plan to.

Fungeons will be on hiatus, I am going to try to write more seriously, which is why this fanfiction now exists. I will update it in the future though.

* * *

"So you want to hear another story, huh? One where the very fate of Pandora hangs in the balance?"

* * *

"Welcome to Pandora, Kiddos!"

"Son of a bitch."

* * *

Axton groaned, picking himself off of the snow-covered ground.

"Wait a minute! You're not dead! YES! Now I can finally get off this glacier!"

"What the hell?"

"Claptrap, your metaphorical ship has finally come in!"

"Hey, uh, robot thing! You see anyone else around here? Big guy, blue-haired chick, ninja?"

"Allow me to introduce myself - I am a CL4P-TP steward robot, but my friends call me Claptrap! Or they would, if any of them were still alive. Or had existed in the first place!"

"I guess that's a no."

Axton scanned the area, looking for signs of the people he that had fought with him on the train.

"Man, this is great! Now that I've met a mighty vault hunter, I can finally join the resistance in Sanctuary, take vengeance against Jack for killing my product line, and repair my central processor so I stop thinking out loud!"

Axton ignored Claptrap.

* * *

Maya choked on the smoke wafting from the wreckage of the train. As far as the Siren from Athenas could tell, she wasn't injured, except for a few minor cuts. "Hello?" She shouted. "Maya! It's Axton!" She faintly heard back. Maya started in the direction of the voice, holding her arm in front of her face to shield her from the falling snow.

Maya faintly made out the shape of the ex-Dahl commando through the blizzard. "Did you find the others?"

"No sign!"

"Crap."

* * *

Zero rested an arm on Salvador's shoulder, the Pandoran helping him walk after Zero had broken his leg in the crash. Salvador's own arm was dangling at an awkward angle.

"Thank you." Zero said.

"No problem! We are friends, si?"

Zero's faceplate showed a smiling face.

The two hobbled through the storm, away from the flaming wreckage of the train.

"Anyone alive out there?" Salvador called out, his deep voice echoing across the glacier.

"Salvador?" A female voice called out. "Have you seen Zero?"

"Si! He is with me!"

"Me and Axton are over here, follow my voice!"

Salvador and Zero pushed through the blizzard, finally seeing Maya and Axton waving towards them from the door of a small shelter.

"You guys okay?" Axton asked. "Don't look too good."

"My leg is broken/Salvador's arm is broken/Are you a doctor?"

"Let me see." Maya pushed Axton to the side, and held her hand up. A blue spark was dancing along her fingertips. She touched her hand to Zero's leg, and then to Salvador's arm, sparks entering their bodies from where Maya touched them.

"That should heal in an hour or two." She said.

"Thank you, Amiga."

"Oh look! More minions! Anyways, like I was saying, there's some guns in the cabinet just in case, but nothing like that is ever gonna come up! Probably!"

Some chunks of ice fell from the ceiling, shattering near the Vault Hunters.

"Should we be, uh, worried?" Axton asked.

"Nah, that happens all the time!" The short yellow robot replied.

More chunks of ice fell.

"So... anyone for bridge?"

Finally, the ceiling collapsed, revealing a massive, six-armed beast.

"SHIT!" Axton and Salvador both swore, reaching for guns they didn't have.


	2. Blindsided

"IT'S KNUCKE DRAGGER!" Claptrap screamed.

The bullymong grabbed Claptrap with one hand, and ripped out his eye with another.

"AAH MY EYE!"

Knuckle Dragger dropped Claptrap, and climbed back out of the ceiling.

"Should we do something?" Axton said.

"The guns… the guns in the cabinet…"

Salvador opened the cabinet, accidentally ripping the door off of its hinges, finding four guns. Maya took an SMG, Salvador took a shotgun, Axton took an assault rifle, and Zero took a Sniper rifle.

"Alright minions! Now that you're armed, we can hunt down Knuckle Dragger! Oof! Let me just open this door, and we can get revenge on that bullymong for killing everyone I knew! Oof!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPEN!"

"Anyone else think this robot seems kinda crazy?"

"Si."

"Yeah."

The Vault Hunters followed Claptrap out of the door, and into the cold of the Southern Shelf.

"Apart from the excruciating pain, this is great! I've been waiting for a mighty vault hunter to help me reach Sanctuary! I will be your wise leader, and you will be my fearsome minion!"

The Vault Hunter's ECHO devices suddenly rang. They were getting a message from Handsome Jack.

"Hey kiddo. Jack here - President of Hyperion. Lemme explain how things work here: Vault Hunter shows up. Vault Hunter looks for the new Vault. Vault Hunter gets killed. By Me. See the problem here? You're still alive. So, if you could just do me a favor and off yourself that'd be great. Thanks, pumpkin."

Salvador spat. "Go to hell."

"Hey! I thought we were friends! Tell you what pumpkin, you shoot yourself in the head, right now, and I'll pay you a million bucks! No? Whatever. Offer still stands though."

"Pendejos."


	3. Blindsided: Part Two

So, I haven't been updated very much recently, finals and stuff.

I'll try to upload more over the summer though.

Thanks for all the follows and views and everything, I appreciate it.

* * *

"I may know my way around this glacier like the back of my hand, but I still can't see! So you're going to have to be my eyes minion! Just warn me about anything that's directly in front of me! OOF! I'll just pretend you didn't see that."

The Vault Hunter's ECHOs rang for a second time, and the face of a girl appeared in the top-right corner.

"Don't freak out. You don't know me, but I'm here to help you."

"Who the hell are you?" Axton asked.

"I can't tell you that right now, but you have to trust me. You'll need that funny little robot's help if you want to get to Sanctuary and stop Handsome Jack."

"Why should we trust you?" Maya said. The group had been betrayed before, by Jack, and almost died because of it, which made them a little suspicious.

"Well, for starters, I've put Knuckle Dragger's location into your ECHO devices." All four ECHOs beeped simultaneously. "You'll want to get Claptrap's eye back."

"Oh, and Claptrap? There's a box in front of you."

"OOF!"


	4. Knuckle Dragger

Zero stared down the scope of his rifle. He had decided to perch on a small ledge, overlooking the location marked on his ECHO that showed where Knuckle Dragger should be.

"Alright, so I'm going to take point." Axton said from below. "Maya, you keep everyone alive, and Zero will provide sniper fire."

"Don't worry about me minion! The strong and mighty Claptrap can get out of this hole by himself!"

Axton crept out of the hollowed-out Hyperion supply transport that served as a kind of entrance to the area around Knuckle Dragger's cave, and readied his weapon.

"I can see! My eye came back online! I can see some fearsome minions, and a handsome robot! Which is still stuck in the snow!"

"But that means that whoever has my eye…"

A roar echoed over the snow.

"Is very close."

* * *

Zero lined up his shot and pulled the trigger, a trail of blood sprouting from the large bullymong's head and coloring the white ground crimson, but Knuckle Dragger was barely fazed. The other Vault Hunters began to open fire, riddling the bullymong's white fur with blood. Zero pulled the bolt of his own weapon, ready for another shot. He pulled the trigger a second time, but after this, Knuckle Dragger fell. Axton prodded the bullymong's corpse with his rifle. It didn't move.

"Minion! Judging by the fact that there are no guns firing, I think it's safe to assume that you killed Knuckle Dragger! Would you mind picking up my eye? As well as pulling me out of the snow?  
Wait, never mind, I'm out! I'll be with you in a second!"

Claptrap began to move in the opposite direction of the Vault Hunters.

"Wrong way little robot!" Salvador yelled.

"Oh, right. I knew that!"

* * *

"So, there may be another door in our way, but its Hyperion tech! Child's play. I was MADE to open doors! Just give me a second."

"Closing secondary set of doors." A female voice said over the speakers.

"…Well it was nice knowing you minion! I hear that getting eaten alive by bullymongs isn't such a bad way to go!"

"Let me get that for you." The stranger from before said. "Executing Phase Shift."

"I'm wired into all of the tech on Pandora. One of the perks of being an artificial intelligence."

"Thanks." Maya said. "What should we call you?"

"Just call me Angel."


	5. Cleaning Up the Berg

The doors slid open in front of the Vault Hunters, revealing an interior filled with guns.

"Take whatever you need. The journey to Sanctuary will be long and dangerous." Angel said.

* * *

"Alright minion! Liars Berg is just ahead! My old buddy Hammerlock can put my eye back, and help us get to Sanctuary! Follow me!"

A second set of doors slid open, once again exposing the Vault Hunters to the ice and snow.

"Hello? Is this thing on?" Jack was speaking through the ECHO again. "Alright! This is a message to all you bandits on Pandora! Some new Vault Hunters have arrived, and I'll give any of you a million bucks if you kill 'em, and bring 'em to me! Oh, and by the way, I'm still offering a reward for Roland, the mass-murdering leader of the Crimson Raiders. Happy hunting, bandits!"

"That can't be good." Axton mumbled.

"See that town? That's Liars Berg! My buddy Claptrap should be right-BANDITS!? PROTECT ME MINION!"

Axton hurled his turret over the top of a wall, and heard the familiar sounds of it deploying. He blindly fired a few shots over the wall.

"It's payday, boys!" one of the bandits yelled, before his head exploded.

"NICE SHOT!" Axton called out to Zero.

"Bandits are easy/Get on my level, suckers/Try dodging next time." Zero called back.

* * *

When Maya no longer heard gunshots, she peeked her head around the corner of the ho

use she was hiding behind. She found most of the bandits lying dead on the snow, the rest dying.

"Is it safe minion?" Claptrap said.

"Si! Come out little robot!" Salvador replied.

"Great! Now that you've taken back Liars Berg, Hammerlock can put my eye back in!"

"Apologies, Vault Hunter." A voice said over the ECHO. "I had to hide so that Flynt's men would not put a bullet through my head. Thank you, for getting rid of them, by the way. There is an electric fence ahead. I will disable it, but let Claptrap go first."

"Hey Hammerlock! It's your buddy Claptrap! Remember that time-BLUGHAGUAHAGHUHA"

"I'm sorry, but every time Claptrap talks, I can feel my brain cells slowly committing suicide."


	6. Cleaning Up the Berg: Part Two

So! Summer vacation is soon, only two days left as of 6/24/13!

I just wanna say thanks again for reading my stuff! It means a lot.

* * *

"Minion! Now that I've got my eye back, we can take back my ship! You're uglier then I remember! "

"Oh dear, he's talking again."

* * *

"Well, now that the power is back on, the mission board should be working, but I can't… seem…" Sir Hammerlock smashed the board with a wrench. "Blast! Well, I suppose I can give you jobs in person. Speaking of which, I need you to get rid of the bullymong infestation in Liars Berg. No need for them to be lollygagging about disrespecting the memories of the former townsfolk."

"I will, if you pay/I don't work for free, you know/I'm an assassin." Zero said.

"Eh, is he always like that?" Hammerlock asked the other vault hunters. "But, now that you mention it, I can pay you a pretty penny if you get rid of the bullymongs. Figuratively, of course, I'll be paying you much more than a penny!"

"Fine, I will help you/I only have one request/Tell me where to shoot."

Hammerlock pointed towards a group of tombstones. "Well, there's some over there," He then pointed to a small valley under a bridge. "And there's another group over-"

Zero vanished.

"Does he… usually do that?" Hammerlock asked.

The vault hunters shrugged.

* * *

A few minutes later, Zero was trodding back towards them with a bag, which was oozing blood out of the bottom. He dropped the bag, and bullymong heads rolled out.

"Well that's… disgusting." Hammerlock said. Maya threw up in her mouth.

"Hey! Just like Thanksgiving two years ago!" Salvador shouted.

"Anywho, since you have succeded in your task, I suppose I will have to pay you. Wait just a moment." Hammerlock pulled a small PDA out of his pocket, and rapidly tapped on the screen. Zero's faceplate displayed a dollar sign as digital money was transferred into his ECHO device.

"Now please, take those heads away."


	7. Best Minion Ever

Again, sorry about not posting too often, the Steam Summer Sale has almost arrived, and I'm looking forward to spend some money. 440$ to be exact.

I did say I would try to post more, and I definitely will. Don't worry.

* * *

"Well, I do believe Claptrap needs you, now that you've helped me clear out the town. If you need anything, just ask." Hammerlock said.

"Minion! Follow me! I know where Captain Flynt's ship is!" And with that, Claptrap was off, rolling through the town.

* * *

"So Claptrap, this Flynt guy, does he have any like, super-powers?" Axton asked. "Just wanna know what I'm getting in to."

"Well, he's a bit of a pyromaniac. But as far as I know, he's pretty normal!" Claptrap replied.

Suddenly, Axton heard the sound of many doors opening at the same time. There was a small settlement ahead of them, and bandits began to flow out of the buildings.

"God-freakin'-damnit."

* * *

Maya felt energy flow through her as a marauder was raised into the air.

"OH GOD LET ME DOWN!" The unlucky bandit screamed.

"Shut up." Maya said back. The bandit burst into flames.

A bullet whizzed past her face, slamming into the snow behind her. Maya ducked behind a small crate.

"Come out, come out wherever you-HRRK!" Maya heard the sound of a neck snapping, and Zero appeared next to the falling body of another bandit.

Maya peeked above the box, and was greeted with more gunfire.

"COME GET SOME PENDEJOS!" Salvador yelled, throwing his shotgun to the ground, and punching a psycho.

Maya once again peeked above the box, and fired at another psycho, who promptly collapsed to the ground. The sound of fighting ceased.


	8. Boom Bewm

"Thanks for protecting me, minions! I appreciate it!"

The ECHO rang.

"Alright Vault Hunters, here's how this is gonna work." The ECHO showed that Captain Flynt had contacted the Vault Hunters. "My first mate Boom Bewm is gonna kill ya, and I'm gonna play hopscotch in your chest cavity!"

"Ah, Flynt! That kidder. I'm sure you'll be fine." Claptrap's voice wasn't exactly reassuring. "You'll probably even keep most of your limbs! Maybe!"

After looking through the small bandit settlement and finding not much else but some extra ammo, the Vault Hunters, and Claptrap, boarded a small elevator.

"This is gonna be GREAT! I'm going to finally get my revenge on Captain Flynt and his-OH GOD! IT'S BOOM BEWM!"

Axton snickered. "Boom boom."

This was greeted with a slap from Maya.

"We are in a life and death situation here, we don't have time-wow that's a big gun."

It was, indeed, a very large gun.

"LIGHT THE FUSES BITCHES-" A heavily-armored marauder boarded the cannon.

"I'M READY TO BLOW!"


	9. Boom Bewm: Part Two

One of these days, I will finish a fanfiction. It's gonna happen.

Seriously.

* * *

A mortar flew towards the Vault Hunters, exploding and knocking them off their feet.

"That's unfortunate/Anyone got an RPG?/If you do, speak up." Zero said, rolling behind a small rock, and taking aim at Boom.

"I WISH, AMIGO!" Salvador screamed, running straight towards Boom's massive artillery gun. Zero fired, and the sound of a shield breaking was heard. Salvador jumped in to the cockpit, and proceeded to bash Boom's skull in with his bare hands.

"Well, that wasn't so bad." Axton said.

* * *

"Alright! See that wall that I'm standing next to?" Claptrap said, waving towards the vault hunters. "See that big-ass cannon? I need you to shoot the cannon, at the wall, when I say go!" Salvador, who was still punching Boom's corpse, looked up. "I can do that.", he grinned. Claptrap noticed Salvador getting ready to fire, and tried to stop him, but to no avail.

The wall exploded, and Claptrap went flying into the distance.

"God damnit Salvador!" Axton yelled. Salvador shrugged.


End file.
